


Temporary bliss

by Slaughter_Me



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Dry Humping, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nat is a bad ass as always, Shrunkyclunks, Steve is reckless, and kinda depressed, but its never fully discussed, cap!steve - Freeform, honourable mention for the Avengers, modern!Bucky, suicide mentioned, the Avengers turn up briefly, they really should talk to each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 11:10:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5926270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slaughter_Me/pseuds/Slaughter_Me
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Barnes is in love. Heart racing, panic inducing, gut wrenching, full on in love.</p><p>The problem is, that Steve Rogers isn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Temporary bliss

**Author's Note:**

> My modern!Bucky and Cap!Steve take. Many thanks to [Carpebucky](http://carpebucky.tumblr.com/) and [thealidoyle](http://thealidoyle.tumblr.com/)for the help and the betaing of this, it wouldn't of see the light of day without you guys<3

Bucky Barnes is in love. Heart racing, panic inducing, gut wrenching, full on in love.

The problem is, that Steve Rogers isn’t. Bucky is sure of this fact and it cuts him to the bone, he can barely breathe with the pain of it. They have been casually seeing one another whenever Steve isn’t on a mission with the Avengers and has a spare evening. It started about 6 months ago, when Steve saved Bucky from falling debris at the battle of New York and they had promptly started seeing each other soon after. They weren't exclusive of course, Steve didn't have the time or inclination for more than casual meetings that always included some very heated sex sessions. At least that was the way Bucky looked at it, so it was really fuckin’ stupid of him to go and fall in love with the Star Spangled Man with the fantastic ass and the refractory period of a God. But the mind blowing sex isn't why Bucky has fallen in love with the hero, oh no. Steve is amazing; he’s thoughtful and kind, sweet but sassy, with a sarcastic edge that could flay you alive given half the chance. Bucky knows he’s in too deep and needs to break the arrangement off though. Every time Steve leaves it feels like he is cleaving another piece of his heart away.

Bucky decides next time Steve makes him his booty call of choice, he’s gonna tell him it's over.

And so it's three weeks later when he receives a call from Steve asking if he is free, of course he agrees.

Three long weeks of dwelling on the fact that he needs to end their-whatever the hell they are. Twenty one days of doubting he can do it. Bucky’s even considered asking Steve to date him like a regular relationship and considered just not answering Steve's calls or texts at all and moving on without speaking to him. But Bucky’s greedy, so very greedy, and wants one last time with Steve, wants the memory of skin on skin and the smell of him on his sheets, the evidence of him in his body.

So Bucky showers and checks the time, 7.00pm, Steve should be here soon. His phone pings with an incoming message that simply says: _be with you by 8, prep yourself for me, I need to be inside of you right away._

Well then.

At 8pm his door buzzes and he goes to greet Steve, quiet determination on his face as he plasters a smile on and opens the door. Steve is standing there still in his Captain America uniform, hair dishevelled and dusty. Fuck he looks so damn hot like this, hotter than if he had made an effort to get cleaned up that's for sure. He grins at Bucky and pushes him backwards a step as he enters the apartment. His mouth is already on Bucky's throat, eagerly sucking at his jawline, licking down to his clavicle and back up to his ear. “I missed you,” he whispers against Bucky’s skin.

Steve lifts Bucky as if he wasn't a fully grown man and pushes him up against the wall. Bucky groans and tries to get him out of the uniform. It's not the easiest thing to try and do but he’s had a fair amount of practice since more often than not, Steve comes to him straight from a mission's end. He makes short work of the top half of the blue suit, he can feel Steve grinning against his neck as he works it down his torso and stops it at his waist.

“Did you do as I asked.” Steve whispers against his throat.

“Of course, Captain.” Bucky winks back at him with a cheeky grin.

If he’s going to do this, he’s going to make the most of it.After all, this is always the happiest time for Bucky, when Steve is here inside him or laid beside him in a haze of post coital bliss. Hell, even times when they have shared a meal have been great everything about Steve is just- well it's just perfect.

Except that Steve isn't interested in seeing Bucky as anything more than a fuck or a quick date when he’s off duty. They never go out together, they always meet at Bucky's apartment. They never see Steve's friends, or Bucky's, which is how Bucky knows it's casual. If it was ever going to be more, surely after 6 months Steve would’ve introduced him to the team?

Steve frowns as he looks down at Bucky. He’s realised Bucky’s stopped moving, stopped reciprocating the kisses, carried away in his own thoughts.

“Hey.” Steve has stopped kissing him now “You okay, you seem a little distracted.”

“Hmm?” Bucky tries to go for nonchalant. “Yeah, sorry just in my own head a bit, it's all good. Don’t you think we should move this to a more comfortable place?” He inclines his head towards his bedroom door but Steve shakes his head.

“Nope, wanted to fuck you against this wall since last time I was here.

Since you did as I told you in my text, are you ready for me babydoll?” Steve’s voice is hoarse, laced with lust.

Bucky gulps and nods his head slowly. He still wants this, all of it, anything Steve can give him. Now it's a fucking against the wall and that's okay for that moment, and so he gives himself over wholeheartedly to Steve. And isn't that the main crux of his problem right there? His thoughts skew as he feels Steve's fingers slipping around his bare ass and he knows nothing but bliss for a short while.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They lie in sweat soaked sheets, Bucky isn't sure how he hasn't passed out at this point, after round three, no four, yeah four. Steve is grinning, head propped up on his hand leaning on his elbow, trailing his fingers through the come that's streaked across Bucky's abs, humming along to whatever shit is playing on the radio, some chick is singing about lost love or something. It's depressing as hell and it reminds Bucky what he was meant to be doing tonight. He takes a deep breath and goes for it.

“Steve, what is this to you?”

“Hmm?” Steve mumbles. “What?”

“This, us. What is it?” Bucky asks again.

“It's, it's fun right?” Steve shoots back at him, still grinning but he looks a little less sure of himself.

“Fun...yeah it's fun but…” Bucky sighs “Look, I don't know that I can keep doing this anymore.”

“Doing what? Do you want to break up Buck, is that what you are saying?”

“Break up, Jesus Steve. How can we break up when all we do is fuck? You can't keep coming over and doing this. It… it's not worth the temporary bliss I get from it. I mean it's clearly not going anywhere and it's messing with my head and you can't seem to give me anything more.”

Bucky takes a breath noting that Steve is just sat staring at him, eyes wide. “I can't keep taking you into my bed, to be left feeling empty and alone every goddamn time you leave me to run off and save the world again. So I'm calling time on this booty call okay? It's been _fun,_ but I'm done with fun.” He sneers the last word lost in his tirade.

“Right, okay.” Steve’s voice wavers slightly. “I’ll just get my shit together and be out of your way.”

“Yeah sure, take your time.”

Steve pulls his suit back on, up to his waist, leaving his chest exposed. He picks up his boots and walks towards the door. Bucky hears him muttering ‘ _fun, fucking, fun_ ’ he turns and looks at Bucky, his face an icy mask of indifference.

“Well, cya then.” And he walks out the door.

“Well, fuck you too Captain, fuck you too,” Bucky yells at his ass as he walks away.

“You already did that.” Steve throws over his shoulder and is gone.

Bucky flings himself back down onto his bed and sobs long into the night.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Steve**

Steve slams the door behind him as he leaves, trying to fight the tears welling up behind his eyes but they betray him and fall freely. He walks swiftly from Bucky’s door before he turns around and demand answers from him. He stops as he rounds the corner before getting to the apartment complex door, he’s still half naked and needs to remedy that before he goes out onto the street. It wouldn’t do to have pictures of him half naked and crying hitting the newsstands.

He quickly pulls the suit up his torso, slipping his arms in and zips himself up, he pulls his boots on and rubs a hand across his face to remove the last traces of tears, probably leaving tracks in his dusty face that reveal his true state. He pulls his phone out and dials Sam as he walks out of the apartment and away from whatever the hell just happened. He’s sure that Bucky will call tomorrow, explain whatever it was he was thinking and they will laugh about it.

He could do with a beer and no questions asked and Sam is just the man for that job. He picks up on the 6th ring with a ‘Yo Cap, thought you’d be gettin’ busy with ya boy by now’

_“I need to come over, I need beer, I need sportscentre and I need to be silent. You gonna be okay with that?”_

Of course Sam is okay with it. He’s a stand up guy, probably the best friend Steve’s had since he woke up in this god forsaken future. Sam's place isn't too far, about 20 blocks, he decides to run.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bucky doesn't call.

It's been two months since they spoke. Two months of wondering whether he should’ve called, or text. The team got sick of hearing about it after the third week and Steve has slowly stopped mentioning his name. It gets easier to breathe as the time goes on, but the ache is still there. His heart feels fractured, but less broken that it was. He doesn't know what that means. Maybe he’s destined to be without love, maybe that's his penance for surviving the war and then the ice. Peggy would be so disappointed in him, he can hear her chastising him in his head most days. _For god's sake Steven, you have a chance to live a full and happy life. What are you waiting for?_

The thing is, he doesn't want to live a full life, not without Bucky. _The right partner_. Those words had been said to him once, and they have never been truer than when he thinks about Bucky.

So he stumbles through each day, spending most of his time in the tower watching TV, so many channels and he mostly logs into Tony’s Netflix and watches mindless stuff with Nat perched on the opposite end of the sofa, mocking his blanket nest. She once suggested they make a fort, and then whined at him when he threw popcorn at her head.

He throws himself into work too, not caring how reckless he is on missions, taking ridiculous risks, because why the hell not? He heals. Each of the team has tried to speak to him about it, but he’s outright told them all it's not their business. He isn't being stupid and putting them or the missions in jeopardy. If anything he’s getting the job done faster because he’s willing to risk his own life to get it done.

The months bleed into each other, he spends some time in the hospital after a particularly nasty incident that had crushed his ribcage, perforating both lungs. Had he been a normal person, the doctor had said he would be almost certainly dead. Which kind of hits home, because he had shoved Clint out of the way and took the hit on his behalf. Clint-although an amazing part of the group-is just a human, an incredible one, but human none the less. If he had suffered from 2 collapsed lungs then he wouldn’t of survived.

The doctor suggests he should see a therapist for his ‘suicidal tendencies.’ Steve scoffs at that idea but Bruce pulls him aside and asks him to take it seriously. They need him to be healthy and 100 percent, head in the game Rogers. So he listens to Bruce and tries to be less of an idiot. He doesn't think he’s suicidal though, he just doesn't see why he shouldn't step in and save people's lives when he won't die from the injury, that's what being a hero is right? He agrees to talk to Bruce rather than a shrink, last thing he needs is that story hitting the tabloids.

So he carries on, wondering if he made the right decision to not contact Bucky, thinking that maybe if they had talked they would have sorted their shit out. Bucky hasn't bothered to contact him either though so he figures it was the right move, no matter how much he regrets it.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Bucky**

It's been five months since he spoke to Steve last, five long agonizing months since he kicked him out of the apartment, half naked and scowling. If Bucky is honest with himself, confronting Steve and ending whatever the hell they were is something he regrets on a daily basis.

Some days are better than others. There are days when he can get on with his life, go to work, come home, watch TV and not see The Avengers on the news - those are the good days. There are bad days too, the days when the world is at odds with some supervillain or alien threat, and he sees Steve on the news, and since he seems to be the leader of the rag tag band of heroes, he’s always the one the press clamour to speak to for post do-gooding interviews. Bucky, like the idiot he is, doesn't switch them off though. Oh no, the glutton for punishment he seems to be these days, he watches every last interview, multiple times.

Then there are the worst days, when that random text comes through from an unknown number that simply states ‘he misses you.’

He has no idea who sends it. He doesn't want to know-presuming that the text is actually for him, and not a wrong number. If Steve misses Bucky, then why hasn't he sent a text or called. He knows where Bucky lives. He could just arrive on the doorstep, but the way they left things… Well it wasn't exactly friendly now was it. Bucky had to protect his heart, not that it made much difference since he is still just as in love. At least now he isn't driving himself crazy, wondering if Steve could ever feel the same way. He knows he was right to end things, no matter how much he regrets it sometimes and how much it hurts. It was the right thing to do. He has to tell himself that sometimes, to remember that although he loves Steve, he wasn't happy with him. It was all one sided, better unhappily alone than unhappily with someone who doesn't really want you.

His phone beeps signalling an incoming message. He pulls his messages up and is confused and somewhat pissed off by what he sees.

‘Look asshole, you've been ignoring my texts for months now, the least you could do is acknowledge them, he still misses you’.

Bucky scoffs and tosses his phone on the sofa, so it's going to be one of _those_ days he sighs.

It's his day off work and he has no plans, so he decides on a netflix marathon. He has a pint of rocky road in the freezer and some Pepsi in the fridge. He isn't even going to get dressed. No point, he isn't leaving the apartment today. Maybe he can get through a whole season of something before the day is done. Ignoring the chirrup of another message, he sits on the sofa and wraps a fluffy blanket around himself, grabbing up the remote and settles himself for some mindless entertainment. He's flicking through the programme list when his phone pings again. Sighing he grabs it from beside him and checks his messages.

There's a couple of spam emails, one that’s titled: Erectile dysfunction? This miracle cure is just a click away! He snorts at that and deletes it along with the offer of mail order brides and penis enhancing equipment. There's another text message waiting for him, reluctantly he opens the unknown senders message: ‘be like that then, guess we know your feelings on the subject’.

Well, Bucky has about had enough of this person. It wasn't HIM who fucked up. He did what he had to and he’s going to tell that to this person and ask them to leave him the hell alone so he can get on with his life. He shoots off the text:

_I don't know who you are, or where you got my number, but listen up asshole. I don't want you contacting me again, I’ve moved on, Steve didn't have to move on, since I was just a booty call to him. So I would appreciate it if you could stop texting me, then I can try and get on with my life. I’m not interested in hearing how Steve misses me, it's not true and it's unfair to me so just stop._

He hits send before he can back out of sending the text. Almost immediately there is a response that simply says:Interesting _._

Bucky sighs in exasperation, whoever this is, they are driving him crazy. He deletes the text and opts for turning his phone off, so the phantom texter doesn't ruin the rest of his day. He decides on Sense8 since he’s up to episode 3 anyway. He figures he may as well carry on with the rest. If he is being perfectly honest, he is so confused with what’s happening, if he leaves it any longer to watch the rest he will probably have to start again from the beginning.

He’s up to episode 7, still with no clue in hell what’s going on but it's enjoyable and taking his mind off things when there is a loud knock on his door. Sighing he hits pause and wraps the blanket around himself tighter, since all he’s wearing is some old sweats and fuzzy socks. He shuffles to answer the door, but looks through the peephole to see who it is first, since he’s not expecting anyone and he doesn't exactly live in the safest of neighbourhoods. There, he see’s the whole avenging squad. What the fuck?

Another loud knock and he hears a voice “Barnes just open the damn door and hear us out for 5 minutes, then you can go back to being a douchcanoe.”

Bucky groans softly and opens the door. He notes 5 pairs of eyes trained on him. He can pick them out fairly easily for people he has never met. Black Widow, with narrowed eyes and a scowl on her face, Hawkeye next to her leaning on her shoulder casually, twanging on a bowstring. Thor, a massively imposing shape at the back of the group with a wide grin on his face, Doctor Bruce Banner next to Thor looking a little sheepish, and finally Tony Stark, Iron Man himself. They are all in their uniforms and looking slightly bedraggled. It's apparent they have come straight from a battle of some sort.

“To what do I owe the...pleasure?” Bucky asks casually, leaning against the door frame trying to calm his racing heart. He can see that Steve isn't with the pack that's descended on his doorstep and wonders just what the hell is going on here.

“Straight to the point Barnes, I can see why he likes you ” smirks Black Widow.

“Look-” Tony starts to say but is interrupted by Hawkeye who is pointing his bow at Bucky’s head in a less than threatening manner.

“The Captain, he's not right since you guys broke up. Hasn't been the same since you dumped his ass and he has no idea what in hell happened. We can't get anything else out of him other than you ended things, other than he’s unhappy and very confused.”

“He’s taking stupid risks on missions. It puts us all in danger if his head isn't in the game 100% and we’ve all had enough of it.” Black Widow cuts into Hawkeyes rambling.

Bucky is, confused. These people, Steve's team, his friends? They talk as though Bucky and Steve had been in a relationship and hadn’t just been fuck buddies. What had Steve told them about him? Had Bucky misread things? Had Steve? He’s struggling to process anything right now.

“I think you broke him.” He hears someone whisper, he thinks it might of been Banner.

“For once, Stark isn’t to blame for a disaster,” booms Thor from the back of the group and they all crack up, except Tony who just looks scandalised.

“Can you just text him? He really does miss you,” Tony speaks slowly as if Bucky has a brain injury or something. Maybe he has.

“Okay.” Bucky doesn't know what else to say “Um, thanks?”

“Thank us when you’re fuck...”

“And we are done here,” Black Widow interjects, pulling Tony by the arm as they all start to walk away from his doorstep.

“Seriously.” She turns and says “Call him, please. He's really not doing so well.”

“Is he, did he get hurt? Is that why you came?”

“He’ll heal. His physical wounds at least. Maybe if you call you can help with the rest of it. It was really nice to finally meet you Bucky.” She smiles as she turns and walks away.

Bucky stands in the doorway a while after they leave, trying to piece together the events of today. The text messages he had been getting were coming from one of the Avengers, probably Tony Stark from the way he was speaking. He’d called Bucky a douchecanoe, that cheeky asshole. Bucky was the douche? Absolutely not. All Bucky had done was protect himself from more heartbreak than he was already dealing with at the time, and it hadn't helped anyway. He still thought about Steve every damn day. Still loved him with every fibre of his being. Still pined for some form of mutual want or need to be reciprocated, for Steve to call him and tell him he loved him and it was all just a big misunderstanding. Maybe it was. Maybe Bucky _had_ been the one to fuck things up in the end. He shakes his head. No, he wasn't wrong, Steve had had ample opportunity to make his feelings known and he hadn't. Why should Bucky feel guilty for Steve's pain when Steve was the one who had hurt Bucky first.

He sighs and closes the door, shuffling back to the sofa he flops down, his mind is a mess. His brain feels like it’s turned to sludge in his skull and his stomach is churning. He feels like he might throw up. He wishes he’d never answered the damn door. Definitely one of _those_ days.

Another week passes by him in a blur of working everyday and spending his evenings hiding from the world on his sofa with Netflix. Bucky doesn't want to think about Steve so he hasn't turned the TV on-- unless it's Netflix. He doesn't want to accidentally catch the news and see Captain goodytwoshoes giving a rousing speech on how they worked together to fight the good fight and prevail over whatever evil villain the city was facing this week.

He’s in the kitchen making dinner- mac and cheese; only the best for him. He scoffs to himself, he really needs to try and get out of the house for more than just work and buying groceries, he’s losing his damn mind.

His phone chirrups with a message from Darcy: Hey you miserable fuckwad, what you up to?

Bucky smiles to himself before replying: _Just making dinner and settling in for another glorious night of netflix and no chill, you?_

The text back is almost instantaneous: Watching the news your boyfriend is saving the world again.

Bucky rolls his eyes and fires off: _NOT my boyf, quit telling me he's on tv, you know I don't wanna talk about him,or see him or know he exists in any way shape or form._

Poor baby. suck it up and turn it on, he looks hot as fuck all bleeding and you can almost see his ass from the slashes in the back of his suit. hubba hubba. tell me why you stopped hitting that again ‘cause dayum that man has a fine ass

_Please stop, I refuse to speak to you if you are going to goad me into more pining after his patriotic bubble butt. I can do without it D, no more k?_

Fine, but it's your loss, he's a fuckin catch that man. cya tomorrow xoxo

And it was his loss he thought, but it was also Steve’s loss. Maybe he should just drop him a text to see how he is, but how after almost 6 months of no contact do you just re-enter someone's life? And does he even want to be back in Steve's life after all this time?

He picks up his phone and shoots a text off before he can re-consider.

_So a week ago I had a rather interesting conversation with some Avengers, if you would like to talk about that then hit me back. B x_

There that was casual enough wasn't it? He throws his phone on the side table and flicks the news on; knowing that Steve won't respond to his text yet, if at all. Darcy was right, the whole team are on the news, some renegade alien trying to burn down New York again or something.

They are interviewing Black Widow, the rest of the team surround her talking quietly amongst themselves. God Steve looks amazing, tousled hair, face flushed from the fight with a thin sheen of sweat and dust covering him. He looks every bit the avenging asshat he is. Bucky still wants him, desperately and wholeheartedly. Why did he do this to himself? Why turn on the fucking TV? He wonders as Black Widow talks about the safety of the citizens being top priority and the interviewer harping on about damage to some buildings.

Steve is standing, hands firmly behind his back, rolling up onto the balls of his feet and back down again, then he's reaching into his belt and grabbing his cell out. Oh god no, he's going to open Bucky's text on fucking live television? What was he thinking sending it at that moment? Fuck.

He watches Steve's face, frown growing on his forehead and then he’s elbowing Hawkeye to the left of him and showing him the phone. Hawkeye has the mindfulness to look a little ashamed as Steve raises an eyebrow in question. He just shrugs and points at Ironman who Steve glares at. Then the interviewer is thanking them for their time and it cuts back to the studio, the last glimpse Bucky gets of them is of Steve punching Ironman in the arm and looking extremely cross.

Well, that's amusing at least. Bucky sits anxiously staring at his phone, willing it to ring or chime, anything really just to let him know if Steve wants to talk or is going to ignore him. Will Steve respond, and does Bucky even deserve a response at this point? He wants one though, wants Steve's thoughts on the trainwreck that was their relationship. The more Bucky thinks about it the more he thinks that he misread everything. He fucked up. He sent Steve away without talking it through without getting Steve's opinion on what the hell they were. God this is all such a mess isn't it?

His phone pings. He picks it up nervously his hands sweating as he tries to unlock the screen. He manages it on the 4th attempt and sits staring at it a moment before opening the text: They had no right to come see you, I will be having words with all of them. Can I come over to talk?

Bucky responds, fingers flying over the keys faster than lightning: _Yes, come over. don't be too harsh on them, I think they were just trying to help._

He waits for what feels like eternity before his phone chirrups: On my way. Their idea of help is skewed. I won't be long, just on the other side of town.

Bucky nibbles at his lower lip. His nerves are bubbling to the surface now. What’s he going to say? What’s Steve going to say? Anxiety blossoms in his chest. It's tight and hot and he feels like he might be sick. He takes some deep breaths to try and calm himself. No matter what happens, it's going to be okay. There are only a few potential outcomes to this meeting. They talk and go their separate ways with some form of closure finally. They fuck and go their separate ways or maybe, just maybe, they sort their shit out and get their acts together?

The doorbell rings and Bucky is hit with more nerves. He takes a deep breath in and holds for a few seconds before exhaling and straightens himself, smoothing his crumpled t-shirt. Shit, he's in sweatpants and a grotty shirt that's seen better days. At least they are clean though, thank heavens for small blessings.

He moves to the door and the bell rings again as he reaches it. He yanks the door open and loses his breath. Steve looks exactly as he did on the TV, dirty from the fight, still in his uniform that has certainly seen better days, tears all along the arms and thighs, blood already dried along the slashes.

“Hi.” Steve smiles softly, the smile not quite reaching his eyes.

“Hey, you coming in?” Bucky cocks his head to the side and swings the door open in invitation.

Steve walks in slowly, just stands in the entrance of the doorway hands clasped together in front of him, wringing them over and over. Bucky is glad that he seems as nervous as himself about this meeting.

“So…” Steve starts just as Bucky starts to speak too. He laughs a little and then tries again.

“I was going to see if you wanted a drink.”

“Oh, no no. I am fine thanks, can we sit?”

Bucky walks into the living room and beckons Steve to follow him, sitting down next to the pile of blankets that looks like a nest on the sofa. He blushes when he see’s Steve notice them.

“Does my blanket nest offend you?” He questions.

“Not at all,” comes the reply. “I have a similar one on my sofa right now too, been watching lots of Netflix.”

“Me too, got through all of Sense8 in pretty much one sitting. Also ate my weight in ice cream the last few months too.” Oh god, why did he say that? He is such an idiot but he sees Steve smile now and thinks maybe they will work this out after all. If he is smiling at Bucky's babbling there’s still hope.

“Doritos for me. Been eating them a lot, and popcorn. Nat makes good popcorn. She’s kept me supplied. Only made me do all her chores at the tower in return.” He blushes, realising he is babbling just as much as Bucky has been.

“So, what did you want to talk about? I mean I can obviously guess and probably get myself in the ballpark area of what’s up, but it would be nice for you to get to what you wanted to say.”

Bucky takes a breath and looks down at his hands, nerves resurfacing now that the time to actually speak about important things is here.

“Okay, so since that...that night, I was getting text messages, fairly infrequently really, a few a month but always from an unknown number, always saying just one thing. ‘He misses you’

Steve inhales sharply and mutters ‘fucking Stark’ under his breath just loudly enough for Bucky to hear it.

“Yeah Stark. That's what I presumed too, but only after he called me a douchecanoe at my front door and they told me to call you. They said you weren’t doing so good, that you were taking risks in the field, pretty much implied it was my fault for breaking up with you.”

“Those assholes, I never said that to them Bucky. I swear I didn't. Yeah I will admit that my head has not been in the game the last 6 months, and yes that's partly-okay mostly due to that night but that's not on you. That's on me for not dealing like a grown up okay? Not your fault and they had no right to talk to you about anything.” Steve sighs, running his hands through dust filled hair.

“For what it's worth now, I’m sorry for the way it went down that night. I could of handled it better.”

“Me too,” Steve whispers. “I wish we could go back and have a do-over.”

“A do-over? How would it go if we had that Steve?” Bucky asks, curiosity piqued.

“You asked me what we were. What it was. I should’ve responded how I wanted to respond. God, I was so worried about scaring you off and then you went off at me.” Steve looks down into his lap, not making eye contact with Bucky. “I wanted to tell you, I really did but you, you were so angry at me Buck, and I had already fucked up it was easier to walk out. I figured I would call you the following day, or you would call me but I realised afterwards that you really had no idea how I felt.”

“How is that?” Bucky whispers, the question filling the air between them, charged like a lightning strike is imminent.

“I was crazy about you, smitten. I’m an old fashioned kinda guy Buck. If you hadn't guessed that, I should've made it clear to you from the beginning. I don't date. It's hard to find someone with shared life experience y’know? I mean I'm a 98 year old World War II veteran that’s seen more than a little heartbreak and devastation. I was frozen for almost 70 years. It takes some getting used to being in this world.”

He takes a short breath and looks up to meet Bucky's eyes.

“I needed to realise that I am never going to find someone who’s lived what I lived. Who knows what it's like, and that's okay y’know? It's okay for me to want some normalcy. I didn't think I deserved that after everything that’d happened and then I met you, and you were like the fucking sun on a cloudy day. You shone so bright around me I was blinded by you. I was so scared, so I kept it casual. You are so young Buck-no wait let me finish, I can see you trying to butt in but let me finish and then you can say what you need to okay?”

Bucky nods, not daring to speak right now because he might just break down.

“You _are_ young, there's no point arguing that with me. You are twenty four years old. I’m thirty two. I know that's not a big gap. It’s not in years. But I have seen so much, done so much. I just figured that you wanted a non-complicated kinda thing, so I kept it as casual as I could, even though all I wanted to do was take you to the tower and introduce you to everyone. Show you off as mine.”

“If you wanted all that, why didn't you say something when I asked you what we were? I mean that would've been the perfect opportunity to set me straight and redefine our relationship. You walked away letting me think you didn't give a shit, but you must’ve known I did. I ranted at you about wanting more Steve!” Bucky shouts the last few words, his heart pounding in his chest.

“I was scared Bucky. You can understand that right? I wasn't ready for definitions, I wanted to tell the world I loved you but I just... I wasn't ready.”

“Well that's-wait...what did you just say?” Bucky swallows audibly and catches Steve's eye, he’s sat hands in lap staring at Bucky, just staring, worrying at his bottom lip so much that he’s going to draw blood if he isn't careful.

“Yeah, kinda stupid of me to go and fall in love huh?”

“Oh my...you giant idiot. I have been in love with you from the fuckin’ beginning.”

“We are idiots, absolute fucking idiots.” Steve laughs, shoulders shaking head thrown back full on laughing.

“Oh my god,” Bucky groans. “I can't believe we’ve been so stupid.” He gets up from where he sat across from Steve and stands in front of him head tipped to the side, a silent question on his lips. Steve smiles at him shyly, almost demurely, he nods his head and Bucky takes the opportunity while he has it.

He gently climbs into Steve's lap, sinking down, straddling him so they are touching from chest to thigh. He links his fingers into the dusty mess, running them through the blond locks. Steve lets out a small moan and raises his hips in an attempt to find some friction. The brief movement makes Bucky shudder a little. He lets a puff of air escape just below Steve’s ear as he kisses down his jawline, fingers still mussing his hair. They trail down the back of his head to his neck, tugging at his hair. Steve groans, tipping his head back tilting his hips again, trying to find purchase. Bucky lifts his ass just a touch, so there’s no contact and Steve groans some more, his hands finding Bucky's ass to grab and force back down onto his-oh, his extremely evident erection.

It's been too long since they did this, since they had any contact at all and Bucky thinks that he might come just from this alone, dry humping on the sofa like a pair of teenagers instead of a 98 year old supersoldier and a 24 year old grown man.

He grinds down against Steve once more, loving the noises that it elicits from him. He’s definitely going to come from just this, fuck. He buries his head into the crook of Steve's neck, his fingers digging into muscular shoulders, his rhythm is shattered as Steve rolls his hips up to meet Bucky's straining cock.

“Fuck, Steve if you keep doing that I’m gonna come.”

“That's okay,” Steve pants. “You’ll be in good company.” He rolls up again, hands planted against Bucky’s ass, pulling him tight to him so their cocks rub together. Bucky can feel the heat coiling, feels the tell tale pull that his orgasm is fast approaching, he fastens his lips to Steve’s and groans into his open mouth as Steve licks at him greedily. They’re both grinding now, chasing their own end. It's Steve’s that hits first, his back bowing up off the sofa, fingers digging painfully into Bucky's backside as he comes in his uniform pants. Bucky growls and follows immediately after, his back arching, a low ‘fuck’ managing to escape his lips. He slumps boneless onto Steve's chest muttering apologies incoherently. Steve just laughs and takes his face in his hands, peppering small wet kisses all over it.

“I love you Buck, all of you, even the part of you that's a horny teenager and wants to dry hump on the sofa like we’re 15 again.”

“I love you too Stevie, and since you are _so_ old, I guess that makes you my sugar daddy right?” He snickers as Steve swats at him playfully grinning as he picks him up, Bucky's legs wrapping around his waist as they make their way to the bedroom.

“Up for round two?” He asks a wicked glint in his eye.

“Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> come say Hi on [Tumblr](http://slaughterme-barnes.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Kudos/comment if that's your kinda thing, always love those!


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